This Little Mermaid Wedding Is Only Adorable If You Missed The Point Of The Little Mermaid

For the past 24 hours everyone on the Internet’s been going gaga over a faux Little Mermaid wedding idea from some company called My Cloud Parade. This would make sense if the Internet was run by five-year-olds. But, as we know from spending time in Reddit’s darkest corners, it’s not. The Internet’s run by adults. Adults who are old enough to know that The Little Mermaid is not a cute wedding idea. It’s not even a cute movie.
In case you’ve never been lectured on the pitfalls of Disney by a college freshman who just got high for the first time after a sociology class, let me fill you in. It’s about a very young woman who’s so desperate to meet a stranger that she gives away her voice. Not her metaphorical voice, but her literal voice. Even worse, we learn that giving away her voice worked! The Prince not only meets her, but also falls in love with her. Because the only thing better than coming across a naked young woman on the beach is coming across one who doesn’t talk during the game. Am I right or am I right or should I get back in the kitchen? Knowing all this, I can’t figure out why would any two-legged speaking adult woman want a Little Mermaid wedding. Especially since there’s never a point in The Little Mermaid where you see a sign for the open bar. Nevertheless, you have places like Hollywood Life acting like this is such an adorable idea.
“In one photo, the two are seen cutting a wedding cake complete with frosting formed into peach-colored clams and a sea green mermaid tail wound around it. And in another frame, we see macaroons fashioned into little clams — so adorable. Leo sports a little aqua blue bowtie, while Traci goes all out with her wedding gown! The dip-dyed dress features a seaweed-style trail that really pulls the whole mermaid theme together.”
Seriously, take a second now. Do you really want a seaweed-style trail being used in any way to describe your wedding. No, no you don’t because you’re getting married, not being turned into sushi.

Now I know what you’re thinking, “why are you getting all worked up about a faux wedding that’s a clever commercial for a wedding company no one’s ever talked about before this week?” Um, because I work on the Internet, that’s why! If I’m not getting worked up over something trending on Facebook, then I’m doing my job wrong. Also I always hated The Little Mermaid. As someone who was asked by my choir teacher (in front of everybody) in 8th grade to lip sync the songs, I never understood why Ariel didn’t appreciate how lucky she was to have such a beautiful voice.